If I had to choose

If I had to choose between “no more war” or “own a reliable printer” of course I’d choose “no more war.” I mean, wouldn’t you?

And if I had to choose between having Jesus in my heart or throwing my printer through the window, of course I’d chose Jesus.

Finally, if I had to choose between procrastinating a time-sensitive print job until the last minute or printing my pages several hours if not days in advance of the deadline, of course I’d choose printing my pages several hours if not days in advance of the deadline. That’s what responsible adults do.

Confession. Pre-pandemic Connie used to wait until the last minute to print. Every single time. And pre-pandemic Connie would blow a gasket every single time the paper jammed, the machine ran out of paper, the ink cartridge ran out of ink, the toner was too low, or it stopped printing mid-job “just cuz.” Pre-pandemic Connie’s raw anger was palpable for blocks in her otherwise quiet neighborhood.

“Do you hear…shouting? It sounds like it’s coming from down the street.”

“I hear it. I checked NextDoor.com and a couple neighbors say it’s coming from the 1200 block.”

“Wow, it’s really loud and that one word sounded like a swear word. Maybe we should call the Police.”

In the past. In the mother. fuckin. past. We’re mid-pandemic now!

Mid-pandemic Connie knows to prepare. Mid-pandemic Connie has chill. Mid-pandemic Connie talked to her doctor about anxiety and learned how to meditate.

Inhale. Hold. Picture your printer on a cloud and watch that cloud float away. Exhale as your printer drifts away.

And when that language didn’t work, mid-pandemic Connie learned to make adjustments.

Picture your enemies. Know for a fact that they have to print sometimes too.

Ahhhhhhhh. Instant peace for mid-pandemic Connie.

Another win for mid-pandemic Connie: Old girl started printing her 44 pages when she started writing this blog entry. And when she wasn’t sure what to write, she took a break to collate and staple her pages into four neat stacks.

Couple things I want to say. One, I don’t know why I’m talking about myself in the third person. Two, if you ever wonder, “Should I become a writer?” ask yourself, “Do I have the tools to deal with printing multiple pages? Does my stapler work well? Do I have at least one back-up ream of paper, a tiny box of staples, ink and toner readily available?” If you have those things, you’re set. And if you don’t, you should still become a writer.

We’re back in person for Tuesdays@9 tomorrow. I’ll be sharing the first ten pages of my play Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Southwest China at The Annoyance Theatre. If you’re in Chicago, join us!

Thanks for reading. -Connie

Poster art by Tuesdays@9 creative director Joshua Fardon.

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